Trouble with your studio gear?
Ask our tech-busting team Arnie & Ozzy B !!

What if my soundcard is bolloxed?

'Hi!. I have been having some problems with my new Yamaha DSP factory. I get pops & crackles on playback and sometimes no audio is recorded at all!!. My freind said it was a driver problem. What do you guys think I should do?'

[From fredddy smith in uk]

Don't take any shit!! - I would probably place the soundcard into a sealed blast container & blow the motherfucker up with C-4 & an aluminium detonator. You can't be too safe tho, so for good measure, perhaps use a Russian AT-5 Spandrel anti-tank missile afterwards just to be sure!! - If the damn thing wont work, blow it the fuck up!!... dont take soundcard problems lying down!!.. Strike back with impunity!!.. show them you'll take NO nonsense!   This is just another example of the evil corrupt western capitalist system. Releasing products which are not properly tested is easy because the evil soundcard corporations are shrouded & protected by the mantle of capitalism which allows them to foist unreliable products onto the consumer, or to create products which prove problematic with future PC upgrades!!... Truly they are infidels!!.. I would advise that you talk to your retailer about a replacement card!

Should I upgrade to Win XP?

'Should I upgrade to Windows XP? i believe Xp is based on Win2000, will it be suitable for/work with cubase/cakewalk/logic etc??'

[From Steve in uk]

Hmmm.. New tech is always buzzing, but don't let that fool you into thinking your old OS is not up to the job! - To give you an example, older weapons such as the 303 Bren gun, the Lee Enfeild rifle re-barreled to 7.62mm & AK-47 are still used extensively in combat area's such as Bosnia & Afghanistan today. Reliability is the most important thing... so don't go choosing the latest wizzo firepower only to find it let's you down in the feild. Once the new kit has established itself, THEN you can start to consider it for your next mission. For example, the good old M79 40mm Grenade launchers. I blew plenty of people to smithereens with one in Predator!!.. so when the new 40mm MGL-MK1 came out, of course i didnt just rush in. But now it's time & tested I blow shit up with it all the time!!   Ha!!.. For once I agree with Arnold - Typical of the evil capitalist western imperialist Microsoft. First they told us Win95 was the final word, then we had to upgrade to SE or ME, and then Win2000 - Now these spawns of satan expect us to yet again upgrade!! - Win XP is new & compatible drivers may not work or even be available for your current soundcard and/or midi device. - Also XP is quite expensive. I'd say it's better to wait and see what the Northern Alliance... no sorry, I mean wait and see how the driver situation pans out for your card. Inevitably tho, you will eventualy change to XP, just as world-wide inevitably you will all see the true light & turn to Islam!

My bass doesnt cut it enough in the mix!

'What can i do to make my bass BOMB the place? Should i use tube compressors, EQ? Please help!'

[From Andreas in Greece]

Tube compressors, what are you talking about!! - If you really want to BOMB the place don't fuck around!!! - Get the bastards in a crossfire with a pair of M134 miniguns!!.. Ja man!!, 6000 rpm of splinter sharding, totaly aniahilation!... There's nowhere to hide that way echte!! - Just spray the forest to fuck like we did in Predator man!!... even if the 7.62mm ammo doesnt get 'em, the splinters flying from the exploding tree's will rip them to bloody shreds!.. Nope, if you are going to REALLY bomb things up, do it right & use the fucking minigun!!... I used it again in T2 but they didn't let me fucking kill any cops tho! - Ha!!.. what a fucking laugh!.. In Predator i ripped bodies apart, but just cos we had a poxy REAL war i had to start playing nice roles & FUCKING SCHEIßE COMEDY!!!   Aiaay-iiii!!.. Allah have mercy!!!.. he's off again!!.. Get with the plot Arnold man... the boy is asking about his bass end and how he can be getting better 'phatness', which us techies would call: 'improved definition & response'. The imperialist fascist yankee scum naturaly leaps to use rediculous force without first checking wh'appen innit doh Arnie eh man?!! - Your method just isn't selective enuff bro'!!... i'd say he should checkout some drastic steep filtering down at the sub-bass end, THEN followed by some nice tight compression to taste, but get rid of unwanted signals first via a filter, they might cause the compressor to be less tight, valve comp's can be nice as they add warmth. Of course, all this assumes you have a good monitor chain and it isnt just that you can't hear the quality of the bass cos your speakers aint up to it!

Working out is losing velocity!

'I've been working out a lot recently and I seem to have lost a lot of velocity in my solos. Please advise.'

[From 'Riff' Rifferelli in UK]

Ah!... two of my favourite subjects. Working-Out because, well ha ha, I was Mr Olympia at 7 times of course... & Velocity because it is so important when taking those long improbable shot's I specialise in in my movies. For example, so often one is in a situation where a large transport train carrying 300 fresh enemy troops is approaching your defending position, crossing a bridge spanning a deep yawning chasm. Ja sure, we can just blow the bridge to fuck with an 83mm SMAW, but this type of weapon may not be available.

Another option is that the previous night a dramatic night-time mission places explosives on the bridge supports and then a single shot from our position 2000 meters away hitting the explosive detonator will blow the train into the gorge. In this situation, velocity is so important to compensate for long distances and cross winds. Using the right velocity weapon combined with good barrel rifling makes all the difference to making that shot or ending up with a transport of 300 bungling latino banana army soldiers swarming all over your defensive position!!

Also important is to just squeeze that trigger & that brings us back to working-out and your problem. Don't fucking slam the trigger and jerk the weapon!! - Working out helped me acheive my godlike physique, & keeps it that way!... but all that time pumping iron stiffens the hands, so after a session in the gym I take time to wind down, meditate, (I learned that from Steven Segal!), and massage my trigger hand gently with Body-Shop 'Deluxe Scented Massage Oil' so that my fingers are relaxed, supple & chilled to acheive that delicate trigger touch. Perhaps the same will help you out with your playing hands so you can get that flexibility & playing speed back!

Incidently you should try my books, 'Arnold: The Education of a bodybuilder', and 'Arnold's Bodyshaping for Women'

  Working out!! - Pah!!.. another rediculous fad of the corrupt and decadent western capitalist society!!... I think you are all obsessed with your Pee-wee's in the west and thus you compensate with bodybuilding. I on the other hand is a ladies man extraordinairre innit!.. The Barry White of the Terrorist brotherhood!... The Lurve-muffin of Herat in fact, and I have no need of this 'working out' to get the women, OR your vile corrupting western Rock music.
However, before I became an ethnic revolutionary, I lived an international lifestyle befitting a kid from one of the richest familes in the world, and I did get to see plenty of rock music culture.

Let's face it Arnie, there hasn't been that many renowned guitarists who are built like Lou Ferrigno in The Hulk, (one of my favourites back in the 70's), unless you count that guy in Alice Cooper's band, and who the hell is he?? - No!.. all the top guitarists were slim & lithe like myself!! - Hendrix, Page, Beck, Zappa, etc etc - Even Joe Perry who does workout hasn't gone for 'size' but just good defintion & muscle tone... and that trust me is what the ladies go for!! - It goes with the territory of the subculture hero, I mean what would I look like if i was a huge great muscled hulk??

So My advice to Riff is don't go overboard on this workingout rubbish, don't fall prey to the feeble decadent western habits but rather instead, think only of Allah & your playing & your speed will return.

This makes me think; if only I'd learned to play myself, i could have done a "Cat Stephens" instead of being stuck in this bloody cave to make a name for myself!

Problems moving studio

'I'm just moved to another flat and have problems setting up my gear so that it'll work just as good or better than it used to. Advice please! '

[From Jomany in Sweden]

Hmmm. That's an interesting subject, transport & logistic's... many people just don't realise how important these issues are to a sucessful campaign! - People watch the TV and think it's all rediculously easy ambushes of the incompetant enemy army & other shooting & killing fun... but how do you think all that gear and the troops actualy get there in the first place? - exactly, transport!
There's just so much to it because you must provide xx amount of transport for each tonne of gear & troops, but that requires crew to handle the transport and that in turn requires food & provisions then for the crew also and fuel for the transport which has to be also transported. With animals this is even more of a problem as sometimes feed for the animals themselves has to also be transported. Truely it is a deep subject and at times has been the downfall of many an otherwise potentialy successful campaign. Of course, you can always fuel-up and steal an enemy chopper but that's ONLY valid AFTER the mission when the supplies are expended and all you gotta do is get your asses home! - You don't get hours to load up your gear when you are stealing a helicopter at 3am in a compound swarming with enemy guards!

My best advice is to think long and hard about your mission, the required gear, and then the setup for transportation & quick reliable strip-down & re-assembly.

  Well yes!.. I've had plenty of experience of THAT one recently! After relocating our Operations HQ to this accursed cave, we had to get all the gear setup again working properly - Aiiy!, what a nightmare!! - trust me, get a GOOD tech-op!, not this CUS we have, he wouldn't know his zib from his tizi !!
However, the CIA gave us the most excellent training for many years, so we have our relocation down pat. Like Arnie says, people think it is shooting and killing people and fun stuff on a Jihad, but logistic's and transport is so important and much overlooked by the amateur terrorist! - If you must move things around, then make sure it is setup for caves! - This means racking gear into reliably transportable units which will setup the same as when they were disconnected. That in turn requires robust reliable wiring & cabling all of which should be devided into looms for easy connection. Truly then you will have a wonderful command center setup like the spiders web that saved our Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon Him) at the cave... spun together with sturdy threads of cable & reliable CLEARLY marked connectors!

That Israeli trance sound?

'How do i make that cool Israeli Psychedelic Trance sound - You know, like Infected Mushroom, Oforia, Space Cat, MFG, Chakra, Sandman, California Sunshine, Passenger, and of course Astral Projection.'

[From SpaceCadaver in USA]

Israeli trance?... I do not know of this, but just watch your ass with the Israeli army, they are hard motherfuckers, although the upside is, you get to do national service with the girls, and there is something about a lady handling a well greased 28mm socket wrench or sliding a shell into the breach of a 105mm that just get's me going every time, hubba hubba!!!... ECHTE!!.. those Israeli army chicks are well fit!!!... Y'know.. I think this guy is, how do you say it?.. taking the piss?.. what do you think Oz?   Ha!!.. of course it is just a feeble attempt to get a reaction thru asking a pointed question designed to include room for obvious humourous or inflammatory reply.... However, it is written in the Traditions that The Prophet was in the tea house one day with his freinds when a funeral procession passed by. The Prophet stood up in respect, but his freinds said: "This is the body of a Jew!", to which The Prophet replied; "is it also not a soul?" Therefore, do not expect me to start ranting on about Israel.. this is just another evil propoganda trick of the vile western corporate controlled media!!

Pulse rifle from aliens?

'Arnie, what do u think of the pulse rifle from aliens? all it is cracked up to be? or useless dead weight? and what about the smart gun?'

[From James "Heff" Hayter in UK]

Aliens?... all that makes me think of is Sigourney!!.. echhhhhhteeeeeeeeeee!!.. she is one FOXY chick ja!!   Phwwwoooooaarrrrrr!!!!!!!! yes I agree.. Sigourney!!... Halwa!

Korg Prophecy through Reason?

'I'm running my Korg Prophecy through Reason, and I was wondering how and or if I can record the sounds on the Prohecy straight into Reason. I tried recording a pattern on a blank track in Reason but it only captured the MIDI information and not the audio. Please help because if Reason can record external devices than I'll be pumpin out some hits! Thanx!!'

[From Troy Stoner in USA]

Does the words RTFM ever ring in your skull?.. Look, how many times do I have to repeat this again and again for you godamn recruits!!... Familiarise yourselves with new weapons or use tried and tested or commonly available weapons and DON'T choose some latest super-weapon and then find yourself in the feild without a clue how to prime the weapon even!! - Echte!.. man if you read the fucking manual you'd know you CANNOT record audio onto a midi track and that REASON has NO audio tracks and cannot record audio! - so now look at the Scheiße you are in eh!   I will tell you about Prophecy Arnie!!.... AND Reason!!... TRULY The Prophecy will come and all the world will turn to Allah!... This will come though man's reason, for truly it is written that he shall reach a level of reason where Islam and the words of The Prophet shall become clear to him as the true faith based not on worshipping idols, but all as brothers with one God who's name is Allah!... After all, does not reason tell you that there can only be one force, one God in the universe which is Allah?.. If a thing exists, it exists because Allah has willed it to exist, if a thing happens, it is because Allah has willed it to happen, everything in the whole universe is Allah's will and He is all!.. Surely it is reason that will bring the people to see and all be as one!

I'm s-sorry.. I g-get a little choked up there... sorry... Now about your synthesiser... sorry but the answer is no you cannot record because there are no audio tracks with the present version of REASON & that is unlikely to change as audio record is not really a feature of REASON... you need to record parts/loops etc from the Prophecy into another application and then load them into the REASON sampler as wav files. This should not be a problem as REASON does not require to load input drivers, however, you might find problems and have to try various driver selections in both REASON's audio-output configuration and the host record s/w's input driver choice.

Have I contracted Andrex?

'I recently ordered a Korg MS2000 via mail order. However when it was delivered it was covered in powder with a note reading "ALLAH!" attached to it.
I am worried that I may of contracted Andrex. Are there any symptoms I can check for to confirm this ? '

[From James "Jock" Munroe in UK]

Hey Jock man, I live in California & I am in the movie business... everything is covered in white powder anyway!   I tell you this, I seem to have contracted a mild dose of piles through sitting on these accursed cold rocks in this cave for so long, and my painful discomfort has been seriously releived since I started using new quilted Andrex with added Aloa Vera!... Truly it is a most soft toilet tissue !!

Working with other musicians?

'Hey guys. do you have any guidelines for working with other musicians? i've tried a few collaborations and it always seemed like they weren't as serious as me.
And you guys both look great! how do you stay so tan with all the long studio hours?'

[From zwolf the elf in 'the land of topsy-turvy']

Again, It's california.. Like my good Harley-Club mate Lemmy said, "You get a proper tan here, not collar & cuffs"... As for working with other people, well this can be good but also can be a nightmare... I have found through all my epic movies, that you need to watch-out that the collaborator you decide wether or not to work with does NOT have any of the following traits!:

dark sunken eye sockets: black greasy hair: a thick bushy moustache: a sneering latin, russian or arabic accent: an evil cackle which seems to reverberate hauntingly after they leave the room: a recently kidnapped relative or family member: an English accent: A tendency to hang back in starkly lit shadows when talking: a distant love affair with the enemy boss: non-human characteristic's, tentacles for lips, a beak for teeth, glowing red beady eyes: dark sweaty unkempt stubble.

I hope that helps you out!

  Truly working with others... so called 'collaborators', is fraught with pitfalls for they are like evil jackals and they will betray you if they can, so my advice is to get things in writing. If we had done that with the CIA imagine how different things would be for me now!!.. So always get things straight from the begining, be business-like and get things down properly because it saves you alot of distress in the long run.

However, it could be that you are too serious? - Do you see me on the television getting all over the top?.. No of course not, I am cool and relaxed, and not like that oaf Bush with his inane grinning and constant phoney smiling!!.. Therefore, do not try so hard... look at me, and be cool and easy to work with, not like Bush who speaks of 'no compromises', and 'America's terms' & the assumption of authority to lead everyone else!!... Truly this is not the way to bring peace and he is nothing but an arrogant dog!!... You cannot make order by imposing your will on others and refusing to compromise as the evil American tyrants do!!

Sphincter bomb?

'Hey guys, have you ever heard of the sphincter bomb? It's a sound bomb that makes you lose your bowels. It's at low audio frequency at intense levels. Do you have any idea what frequency that is?'

[From Joe in Chicago]

There's a man who's never been in a combat zone eh Oz? - ANY weapon fired on you has THAT effect!   Allah have mercy!... I heard THAT!!... (and smelled it!!) - however, one advantage WE have over the accursed American oppressor is our use of the robe as opposed to vile western 'trousers'.. less hand-washing is required to clean things up!

My bad temper!

'I aint got no instruments nor any computer...but what I do have is a bad temper...what shall I do? Is this a sign from Allah that I must fight Capitalism or that I need to learn how to speak with a german accent and grow huge muscles?'

[From Anders [BaD aNKH] Parmstrand in Sweden]

Echte!! - "learn how to speak with a German accent and grow huge muscles"... cheeky Arschloch! - I'm an AUSTRIAN ok!!... NOT German!!!... Damn! - I thought we had been hired to do tech-busting questions?!... what do you think Oz?..   What is that you say?... Having a bad temper is: 'a sign from Allah that you must fight Capitalism' - Do not be a silly-billy boy!... When The Prophet (Peace & Blessings of Allah be upon Him) was asked by the people for ONE simple piece of advice above all others that would help them in life, he answered: "Do NOT get angry"... Pah!.. you are just another puppet of the evil lying dogs in the White House who seek to spread a connection between Islam & violence.

All-time favourit weapon?

'This question is for mostly for Arnold; what is your all-time favourit weapon? out of all the weapons you have used (swords and axes included) '

[From oscar in Sweden]

Echte!!... another Swede?!... shouldn't you be out at a motorsport event or something?... ha ha, oh dear... that's a little joke we have in Austria you know!? - oh, and another non-tech question!.. Oh well, we get paid anyway for writing this crap... My favourite weapon... That's a hard one, but I think I will say an answer you probably didn't expect. It would have to be my pair of vintage matched Holland & Holland sidelock ejectors... They are truly a work of art, with exquisite engraving work & matched walnut stocks... Ja!.. you want to see the deep lustre on the walnut after 120 years of beeswax polishing! - they are just fantastich man!   Me?... anything I can get my hands on at the moment to be frank! - Since the accursed CIA stopped supplying us with weapons it has been most difficult! - Even a pair of 12 bore's would be a help... *sigh*... I remember daddy had some beautiful shotguns. He was educated in England like most of his contemporaries, and would love to spend a weekend out at one of his schoolchum's estates, 'bagging a few birds' as he used to say!.. But he was a Boss man.

Do you think we'll get a tech question next Arnie?...

Was I playing to loud?

'I work as a sound engineer and last summer I accedently blow up a giant PA at a german metal festival, was I playing to loud or can tou play to loud at all. thanks for an answer!!!'

[From Pete in Sweden]

Echte!!... Not another Swede!!... So, "a german metal festival" you say?.. Damn RIGHT!!.. I fucking HATE that scheiße crap!!... "Not available in any shops!!" - yeah, I'm not fucking surprised!!... because only a dumbkopf would pay for that shit!... So you blew up the PA eh ?... chuckle.. Good job soldier!!   Aaaiiiieee!!... GERMAN METAL!!! - You are not wrong Arnold!.. THAT is a weapon of mass destruction if ever I saw one!

Professional quality?

'well.. at least here in U.S. all the magazines alwayz brag how there is no way to get realy professional quality of the track without extencive mastering in very expancive studios.. and one thing that realy struk me about hybrid's wide angle is that most of the tracks seem to be better quality than most techno (by that i mean listening to it in headphones realy give a sence of space and "transperancy" of the media.. i hope u know what i'm talking about. and it seems with all the processing i do in BUZZ and soundforge.. the quality is still not the same.. there are no buzzes or hisses.. but it doesnt sound quite as 3d as most proffessional cd's.'

[From Roman in New York]

Hybrid?... well, good flexible eq combined with good use of that eq , as well as stereo and cross-panned multi delayed patterns mixed well in decent quality reverbs at various 'depths' in the mix... But don't let this inability to get the same sound distract you. - In my Conan films, when I was faced with hordes of mongol warriors did I sit around wishing I had a brace of MP-5's?.. No!.. I use an axe man!... so just get on with what you have and make the actual creation the task with the tools you have available. - I started out making cheap budget crap films but I just did not think of this... I just went for it, and now I make multi-million dollar films and am one of the world biggest movie stars! - Did I say; "I will not do this crap because it is low budget?".. No!! - Instead you should think; "How would Hybrid work with MY system?"...   Hybrid? - I do not know of that pop-group? - unfortunately during a bombing raid our portable sattelite receiver was damaged and now besides the discomfort of this accursed cave we can ONLY receive MTV Raps for entertainment!

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