 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Forums - The lounge
Subject: Joke time again...
Original Message 1/20 30-Jan-05 @ 12:37 PM Edit: 30-Jan-05 | 12:38 PM - Joke time again...
Steve Roughley
Posts: 1178
Link?: No link
File?: No file
I've never started one of these threads before, so go easy on me :P
1:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box".
2:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks"
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at WalMart.
1:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box".
2:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks"
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at WalMart.
Message 3/20 24-Mar-07 @ 10:01 PM - RE: Joke time again...
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he
put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he
would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story , and asked him to guess the
correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You
were close, but no free sex this time"
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice
last week."
put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he
would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story , and asked him to guess the
correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You
were close, but no free sex this time"
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice
last week."
Message 5/20 25-Mar-07 @ 09:00 AM - RE: Joke time again...
So a guy's out at a bar and he starts chatting up up this really slutty chick. After talking for a few, he says he never got her name.
She replies, "My name is Carmen."
He says, "What a beautiful name... does it run in your family?"
She says, seductively, "No, I changed my name a few years back to reflect the two loves of my life.... cars.... and men..."
He stumbles for a response... awkward pause....
She breaks the silence with, "So what's your name?"
[immediately] "Golftits"
She replies, "My name is Carmen."
He says, "What a beautiful name... does it run in your family?"
She says, seductively, "No, I changed my name a few years back to reflect the two loves of my life.... cars.... and men..."
He stumbles for a response... awkward pause....
She breaks the silence with, "So what's your name?"
[immediately] "Golftits"
Message 6/20 25-Mar-07 @ 09:02 AM - RE: Joke time again...
Man, I was excited... ready to give steve a shoutout and a 'sup.
sitar, you grave digger! Why not just revive one of your multitude of joke threads?
his jokes were funny though
sitar, you grave digger! Why not just revive one of your multitude of joke threads?
his jokes were funny though
Message 7/20 25-Mar-07 @ 10:37 PM - RE: Joke time again...
@ the redneck one
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 9/20 26-Mar-07 @ 09:10 PM - RE: Joke time again...
Psy I went pages and pages back looking for a joke corner thread....Edit/Find on this page "joke". thought one would come up on the first or second page but had to go back like 10 pages.
I miss Steve too.
I miss Steve too.
Message 10/20 27-Mar-07 @ 09:44 AM - RE: Joke time again...
A kenyan woman is working as a barmaid in the uk to pay her way through uni. one night a man walks in, orders a drink, downs it in one go, then asks her to spend the night with her. "I'll give u £100 for the night" he adds. He's not bad lookin and she needs the cash so she says yes.
Next night same man walks in orders one drink downs it n ofers her £100 for the night. Last night was one of the best of her life so she says yesw again. This happens three more times, the woman spendin three night with him for a 100£ each night
On the sixth day however the man comes in orders a drink but this time he moves to a quiet corner and sits by himself sipping his drink. the woman was hoping to spend another night with him so she decides to go chat with him for a while.
"Where are u from? she ask him
"kenya" comes the short reply
"really? Me too what city?
"Nairobi"
"Me too! what neighbourhood? she asks
"this n that neighbourhood"
"Me too! What street? what's your house number?"
"this n that street n this n that house number"
"REALLY" she exclaims " i live right opposite. No wonder u looked familiar. Do you Kno my family"
"Yes" he replies "infact your father sent me to see you"
"What did he tell you"
"He told me to tell u to work had in uni and make him proud.... Oh and he gave me 500£ to give to u."
Next night same man walks in orders one drink downs it n ofers her £100 for the night. Last night was one of the best of her life so she says yesw again. This happens three more times, the woman spendin three night with him for a 100£ each night
On the sixth day however the man comes in orders a drink but this time he moves to a quiet corner and sits by himself sipping his drink. the woman was hoping to spend another night with him so she decides to go chat with him for a while.
"Where are u from? she ask him
"kenya" comes the short reply
"really? Me too what city?
"Nairobi"
"Me too! what neighbourhood? she asks
"this n that neighbourhood"
"Me too! What street? what's your house number?"
"this n that street n this n that house number"
"REALLY" she exclaims " i live right opposite. No wonder u looked familiar. Do you Kno my family"
"Yes" he replies "infact your father sent me to see you"
"What did he tell you"
"He told me to tell u to work had in uni and make him proud.... Oh and he gave me 500£ to give to u."
Pages: 1 2
There are 20 total messages for this topic
Reply to Thread
You need to register/login to use the forum.
Click here to Signup or Login !
[you'll be brought right back to this point after signing up]
Back to Forum
