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Forums - The lounge
Subject: Joketime
Original Message 1/22 08-Aug-08 @ 12:22 AM - Joketime
A husband and wife are taking a tour of a beef ranch. The rancher brings them over to a bull and tells them, "This bull mates 182 times a year". The wife turns to her husband and says "Wow hun that's twice a week. Impressive bull don't you think?"
The rancher then points to another and says, "That bull over there mates 3 times a week and the one over yonder mates 5 times a week". The wife turns to her husband again and says "Maybe you could learn a thing or two from that bull dear".
The husband turns to his wife and replies, "Why don't you ask our guide if that bull is mating 5 times a week with the same old cow".
Message 2/22 12-Aug-08 @ 11:07 PM - RE: Joketime
heh heh, isnt that based on a true story about Roosevelt?
He was visiting farms and other working folk as a booster to the nation, and the farmer said the rooster mates several hundred times a day, his wife said "Did you hear that dear? 100 times a day!"
"yes", says the farmer... "but never twice with the same hen"
lol, true story apparently
i heard that Liverpool Iraqi striker joke in Cornwall in the local paper's 'Joke Corner'
good joke cos it can be modified to any city you like:
The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and raped and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
drrrrrrrrrrrrr-tish!
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 3/22 20-Aug-08 @ 07:45 AM - RE: Joketime
Guy goes to watch his team play at Anfield & parks his brand new range rover in the surrounding streets.
He is approached by a young scally who says, "Mr gis a £1 an ill look after ya car for your while your at the game"
The man turns to the kid & says, "no thanks, thats ok, I have a german sheppard in the back"
the scally replies "yeah, any good at putting out fires is it?"
Message 4/22 27-Aug-08 @ 04:33 PM Edit: 27-Aug-08 | 04:40 PM - RE: Joketime
This guy got a "huge" sexual problem .....You see his ermmm "tool" is 40 inches long so he cant find a sexual partener-as soon as the women see its size they re all scared away!!!So he goes to a doctor and the doctor examins him and replies:
"My friend,unfortunately your problem cannot be solved by surgery!!!BUT there is a possibility of solving it!!You have to go to africa and find a rare species of frogs!When you find one of em,ask em to have sex with em and if the frog denies then your "tool" will be shortened by 10 inches"
Desperate as the guy was,goes to Africa to find the afforenmentioned frog!!After months of searching he does indeed find one of them so he says to the frog:
"hey frog,can i have sex with you?"
"No" replies the frog!! Whoomp,the guy's tool gets shortened by 10 inches!!The guy doesthe math and figures its still very long so he asks again
"Oh please frog,can i have sex with you?"
"no,man" replies the frog and whoomp another 10 inches are off his tool!!So th eguy figures "hmmm 40 minus 20 inches is still too long ,i might as well ask again to get it down to anormal 10 inches size" so he asks again:
"Oh cmoonnnnnn frog,lemme have sex with ya,will ya?"
and the frog replies:
"Man,how many times to I have to say it to you? NO,NO,NO"
............
By the way and sorry for being off-topic whats ermmm this hook-ups thing besides my profile?Is this something like the "friends" of myspace?
EDIT no2: and i just notice my homepage (7161.com/~softcore) is not working -is this related to the site's renewal?
cheers
Message 5/22 28-Aug-08 @ 01:46 PM - RE: Joketime
softcore wrote:
By the way and sorry for being off-topic whats ermmm this hook-ups thing besides my profile?Is this something like the friends of myspace?
EDIT no2: and i just notice my homepage (7161.com/~softcore) is not working -is this related to the sites renewal?
cheers
lol, heh heh
um, the hookups, is a new version of the old artist-basket - yes like myspace fwends
homepages r still switched off until we can get to that - gotta launch new DT soon, sorry
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 6/22 28-Aug-08 @ 08:00 PM - RE: Joketime
Oh and of course,no need to say sorry!!!Thanks again!!!
Message 7/22 31-Aug-08 @ 01:47 PM - RE: Joketime
and it's almost there.before we can open dt we need a big old server clean up tho, there's like 3 versions of DT on the server, lol, anyways it's gettin there.
btw, anyone catch that Santogold at all? i had the tv on background-monitoring and she came on bbc reading footage doing L.E.S Artistes, f*ckin love that track!.. but... tell me it's not a good old rip of The Police's 'So Lonely'
i'm a sucker for any dubby-ambient rock tho, not as keen on the rest of her album tbh tho, but there's some great electronic tracks on it, it's a bit of a mish mash album, a bit of everything - anyone like her stuff? they are sold out for camden on wednesday, i might go down and try and cadge a ticket
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 8/22 01-Sep-08 @ 12:51 AM Edit: 01-Sep-08 | 12:54 AM - RE: Joketime
k wrote:
btw, anyone catch that Santogold at all? i had the tv on background-monitoring and she came on bbc reading footage doing L.E.S Artistes, f*ckin love that track!.. but... tell me its not a good old rip of The Polices So Lonely
im a sucker for any dubby-ambient rock tho, not as keen on the rest of her album tbh tho, but theres some great electronic tracks on it, its a bit of a mish mash album, a bit of everything - anyone like her stuff?
....I looked her up after you mentioning her.......found her myspace page.....nice tunes.....i also liked that LES artistes too and her other tunes not bad either.....
k wrote:
... tell me its not a good old rip of The Polices So Lonely
............sorryyyyyyyy!!!!......Cant tell ya that!!!!
Message 9/22 01-Sep-08 @ 03:44 PM Edit: 01-Sep-08 | 03:56 PM - RE: Joketime
but here's the live version of 'L.E.S Artiste' which i stripped from some bbc reading festival footage - ran it thru a tad of sony oxford buss compression and a tad of oxford eq just to spice it up
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 10/22 02-Sep-08 @ 05:01 AM - RE: Joketime
Heres a link to there vid for L.E.S. Artists from Youtube.
L.E.S Artists
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