Joke time again... - The lounge forums

Forums - The lounge

Subject: Joke time again...

Pages: 1 2

Original Message Date: 30-Jan-05 @ 12:37 PM Edit: 30-Jan-05 | 12:38 PM - Joke time again...

Steve Roughley

Posts: 1178

Link?: No link
File?: No file

I've never started one of these threads before, so go easy on me :P

1:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

2:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks"
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at WalMart.

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 11/20 27-Mar-07 @ 12:14 PM - RE: Joke time again...

Posts: 12353

Link?: Link

File?: No file

Bloke comes home and says to his wife "Pack your bags I won the fackin lottery!!"

"Ooh!" replies the wife, "Where are we going? the bahamas? the seychelles? Fiji?"

"No" replies her husband, "Just pack your bags and fuck off!"

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 12/20 27-Mar-07 @ 12:18 PM - RE: Joke time again...

Posts: 12353

Link?: Link

File?: No file

btw, you must have seen this, but just in case you didnt.....

___________________________________

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 13/20 27-Mar-07 @ 04:30 PM Edit: 27-Mar-07 | 04:36 PM - RE: Joke time again...

Bedwyr

Posts: 2890

Link?: Link

File?: No file

not got any new jokes at all, but here's an old one ..

what's margaret thatcher and gary glitter got in common?

they both fucked miners.

(minors) i hate explaining jokes

btw

quote
"There's more than enough coal there to keep me in work and many others for 40 to 50 years", he added.

"The potential here is vast, there's many millions of tonnes there."

that just kills me and has shaped my politics more than anything i think. i'm in back in college now and there's young tory cunts here who worship thatcher.

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 14/20 28-Mar-07 @ 11:14 AM - RE: Joke time again...

Posts: 12353

Link?: Link

File?: No file

nah, we're much better of importing all our coal from france

___________________________________

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 15/20 28-Mar-07 @ 04:48 PM - RE: Joke time again...

sitar

Posts: 3872

Link?: Link

File?: No file

Any of you blokes ever hear of Jeff Dunham? He's a ventriloquist and his puppets are hilarious. One of them is this grouchy old guy named Walter. Walter tells about how he dated a girl from India once. He says

"Nice girl. Wierd-ass country though. Most of the women wear a red dot in the middle of their foreheads. What the hell is that?

You are here.

Maybe it lights up when the coffee is ready.

Scratch it off you friggin win something.

Or 'It looks like she's videotaping me all the time!"

Great stuff.

Another puppet named Peanut said

"I hate the traffic report. It's a waste of time and money. Let me do the traffic report and I'll save everyone lots of time and money:

Anchor: 'Hey Peanut. There's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?'

Peanut (yelling over traffic noise): "It's 8 o'clock in the morning. Everyone left their house at the same damn time!" "Back to you!" "Call me again at 5 o'clock and I'll tell you the same thing. Only guess what? They're all going the other way!"

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 16/20 30-Mar-07 @ 10:28 PM - RE: Joke time again...

nme

Posts: 316

Link?: Link

File?: No file

LMAO at Bernard Righton, classic irony!!!

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 17/20 30-Mar-07 @ 10:30 PM - RE: Joke time again...

nme

Posts: 316

Link?: Link

File?: No file

Check out these wise words from Chris Rock, one funny dude!

Chris Rock's Public Service Announcement

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 18/20 31-Mar-07 @ 01:22 PM - RE: Joke time again...

Bald-n-Dread Music

Posts: 5

Link?: No link

File?: No file

Phone rings and the chinese maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied: MASTUR BATING!

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 19/20 15-Apr-07 @ 10:23 AM - RE: Joke time again...

pict

Posts: 1005

Link?: No link

File?: No file

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched,pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Message 20/20 17-Apr-07 @ 03:47 AM - RE: Joke time again...

nme

Posts: 316

Link?: Link

File?: No file

Hehehehee, classic!

.....Hey, has anyone let Alex McLeish in on this for the next World Cup, probably worth doing so, seems its the most likely way hes going to get any tickets for it!

[ back to forum ] [quote]

Pages: 1 2

There are 20 total messages for this topic

Reply to Thread

You need to register/login to use the forum.

Click here to Signup or Login !

[you'll be brought right back to this point after signing up]

Back to Forum